If we sat and talked all night long

Would you understand my trouble

Would you get whats really wrong

And I wonder

if I cried upon your shoulders

And for once refused to smile

Would you look at me and shudder?

And I wonder

If I really let you in

And told you my worst fears

Would you forgive my only sin?

And I wonder

Do you really have the right

To ask me to be honest

About what haunts me at night?

And I wonder

If you would look at me the same

Knowing what everyone else knows

Or forget my tainted name?

And I wonder

If you asked all of my friends

What they saw that you didnt see

Would our new story end?

And I wonder

If I bared my very soul

And you finally knew the truth

Would your warmth for me grow cold?

And I wonder

If instead I kept it all in

And pretended it didnt matter

Would you still want to be my friend?

I wonder…

The first night was maddening, but this last night is saddening, cant stay with you here but still youre so near

If I think you are through, well then I don’t know you – but I have and I do and you know me too

You know I must go though you hold me so, your tears on my cheek, your heat makes me weak

I touch one last time as your hand slips into mine, as sparks turn to flames you call out my name

I turn to the door but you beg for more, the sound rings in my ears as I give into my fears

And I stay.

Back in July of 2009 I was sitting home alone on a Friday night, wondering what to do to put off going to bed alone yet again. I flipped through the channels a couple times, but just wasn’t in the mood to watch infomercials about fantastic real estate ventures or weight loss products. I picked up the newspaper that Darla the Wonder Dog had brought in earlier, discarding the soggy edges (from her ever-present stream of drool). I eventually made it to the classifieds, and reading through them, something caught my eye. It was an ad for a boarding house up in Atlanta, but with female tenants only. The rent was amazingly cheap, the area wasn’t too bad, and hey, they even allowed pets. I took one look around my rented apartment…with the second hand furniture, the faded wallpaper, the kitchen clock that ticked so loudly even the dripping kitchen faucet couldn’t drown it out…was I ready for a change? You bet I was.

Fast forward a couple weeks. I’d given notice at my job, which no one seemed to notice or care about much. A lowly proofreader at a second rate hometown newspaper was easy enough to replace in this economy. I was packing the last of my meager belongings into the back of my pickup truck, an old but comfortable 95 Datsun that I’d kept running with a friendly shade tree mechanic and a couple of prayers. Darla was running circles around my feet, tripping me up every chance she got. She loves to ride, and this time she could tell Something Big was happening. I went inside and took one last look at the rundown apartment to make sure I wasn’t leaving anything behind that I actually wanted. Everything left was to be either kept by the next tenants or discarded. It was time to get Darla and head north about a 100 miles. And that’s what we did. It might as well have been a million.

About two hours later, we pulled up to a white clapboard two story walkup in a semi-residential neighborhood just north of Downtown Atlanta. I double checked the address, grabbed Darla’s leash and my copy of the lease that the landlady had faxed me, and headed to the door. I rang the bell nervously…what had I done? I was all alone, in a huge town, about to share a house with women that I’d never met, and I still hadn’t even nailed down a job yet! Talk about a leap of faith! The door opened and there stood the most beautiful woman I had ever seen. She was tall, curvy, had long brown hair and the bluest eyes I’d ever seen! I stammered some kind of hello, and cleared my throat, desperately trying to think of what I had been planning to say. The brunette smiled at me cautiously and said, “May I help you?” “Uh, yeah…I’m Trista, uh, I mean, Krista…I’m supposed to be moving in today?” The last part of that pitiful sentence went up an entire octave, but I was too busy staring into those big blue eyes to notice. She smiled again and opened the door wider, and with a southern drawl that I hadn’t noticed the first time she spoke, she said, “Well, hey there. I’m Jess. The landlady Mary told us all about you!” She moved in to allow Darla and me to walk in. I looked around, while sneaking a glance at this beautiful creature, and took in my new surroundings. There was white and a dusky rose color everywhere – and I mean, everywhere. Even the staircase railing has been detailed in dusky rose. It was too much pink for my tomboy tastes, but who could be picky about that sort of thing at a time like this? I just hoped that my room wouldn’t be trimmed in Pepto-Bismol!

Jess was looking at me closely, and I realized that she’d been speaking while I looked around in a daze. I muttered some sort of apology and asked her to repeat what she’d said. “Honey, you must be tired! I was just sayin’ that I could help you move your things into your room in a little while, but first, won’t you and that fabulous little doggie come into the kitchen and grab a drink with me?” I could not very well say no…In fact, I wasn’t sure I could even speak at that point, so I nodded and followed her into the next room.

Sure enough, there were pink and white dishtowels, pink dishes, and even little pink flowers on the wallpaper. I couldn’t help myself, I chuckled a little. Jess asked me curiously, “What’s funny, honey?” and I just lost it. I laughed so hard that Jess had no choice but to join in, even though she had no idea what we were laughing about. When I finally was able to catch my breath, I explained to her that I just wasn’t used to alot of pink and flowers. She didn’t look offended, really, as much as annoyed. She then let me know that she was the one who decorated the place. I took one look at her face and immediately felt ashamed of myself. I apologized to the beauty, and asked her to forgive me. She relented, and poured me a glass of water and a little more into a pink bowl for Darla. We sat down at the kitchen table and chatted a little bit. She was full of questions – where was I from? What made me decide to move to Atlanta? Did I have a job up here yet? I told her a little bit about my story, and that I had a few leads on a job. She kept her eyes on mine the whole time we were talking, and I couldn’t help but notice her body language. She sat with her head tilted, body pointed towards me, arms uncrossed and one hand grazing her long neck. Unless I was misreading the signals, I thought that maybe, just maybe, this gorgeous female was into me! But I knew that I couldn’t pursue it. Jess lived here too, after all, and a messy relationship or even messier breakup could make things very awkward. I decided right then and there not to give her another thought.

Jess took me upstairs and showed me all of the rooms, including the occupied rooms. None of the other roommates were home, she explained, as everyone was either at work or school. Half of the girls went to the local Art Institute. I was surprised to see that they all kept their  rooms unlocked while they were gone, but Jess explained to me that they were all more like family than roommates, and trust was key in living there. I had no problem with this rule, as I had nothing to hide really, except an ancient vibrator and a couple of magazines. I was wondering if the walls were soundproof, when the door downstairs opened and 3 girls walked in together, chatting and laughing loudly.

Jess called out to them as they were pulling off their coats and hats, and they all looked up and noticed me for the first time. I might not have been exactly what they were expecting to see, with my short hair, brown leather jacket, blue jeans and sneakers…it was a far cry from the very feminine clothes that they were all wearing. The tallest of the three cleared her throat and Jess jumped in to break the silence. ‘Girls, this is our new roomie, Krista. Krista, this is Ginger, Leigh Anne, and Tory. Krista just got here a little while ago, y’all, I was giving her the full tour!” The girls got over their initial shock, I guess, because they immediately all started up the stairs, asking questions and oohing and ahhinh over Darla, who of course just reveled in the attention. She loved women, always had. Like mama, like dog!

We got all of my things moved in, although I wasn’t crazy about letting such feminine ladies help me – call it machismo, or whatever, but I was used to doing things myself. Ginger told me that I had to get over that, because I was part of the family now. I couldn’t believe that these girls, who’d only known me a couple of hours, would take me in like that. But they did, and it only got better from there.

Late that evening, after dinner (we all took turns cooking and cleaning, I found out), we sat around the living room watching TV. LeighAnne and Ginger were painting each other’s toes and Tory was in the floor with books and sketchpads lying all around her, doing homework. Darla had fallen asleep in her doggie bed in my room, tired out from the day’s events. That left Jess and I sitting on the couch watching TV, some silly Lifetime movie I think…I was informed that the majority ruled when it came to television choices. I didn’t really mind, as I found it hard to concentrate on anything except Jess in her pink nightshirt and slippers. Her legs were a mile long and I couldn’t seem to keep my eyes from wandering over to them anytime she spoke. Or moved. Or breathed. She seemed oblivious to my stares, though, as she joked and chatted with the girls. I tried to join in the conversation, but knew little about the latest gossip on Angelina and Brad, or who was getting a divorce, or having a baby in the celeb world.

Eventually, conversations turned to yawns, and LeighAnne and Ginger decided to turn in. Jess asked Tory if she needed any help getting her materials together, and Tory took the hint and moved her studying upstairs. I began to stand up and stretch, and Jess looked at me petulantly and asked, “Are you going to leave me down here all by myself?” I nervously grinned at her and said, “I guess not,” and sat back down on the couch. Jess stretched those magnificent long legs of hers and somehow moved closer to me, a little too close for my comfort. I wanted to reach my hand out and touch those legs, but knew that if I did, it would be a mistake, so instead I picked up a magazine from the coffee table and pretended to glance through the pages. All the while I felt her looking at me, and I flushed a little under her stare. I didn’t dare look up, until I felt Jess’ soft hand touch mine. I lifted my head and gazed into those big blue eyes and knew that I was lost. No matter what happened tomorrow, I knew that this gorgeous creature wanted me, and I knew that I wanted her just as badly, if not more. I reached over and cupped her smooth cheek in my hand, and she leaned in and kissed me, ever so softly at first, then with more passion. I moaned softly into her mouth and pulled her to me… she ran her tongue over my lips and teeth, and I ran my hand into her hair and down her graceful neck, where I played with the collar of her nightshirt. She shivered a little and moved even closer to me. I kissed her even harder then, letting my tongue plunge into her wet mouth over and over, playing with her tongue, dancing circles while our hands explored each other’s bodies. She moved to stand then, grasping my hand gently, pulling me to her in a sweet embrace. We stood like that for what seemed like forever, kissing and holding each other, until she whispered into my ear,” Follow me.” I eagerly followed her up the stairs, so hot that I could barely breathe. My heartbeat was so loud I was sure that she could hear it. We tiptoed into her room, and she switched on a lamp – with a pink bulb in it, of course. We kissed some more, and I leaned in , blowing hot breath on her neck and following it with my tongue, sliding it up to her dainty earlobe then back down to her collarbone. She moaned, and I almost lost control. “I want to see you”, I growled, as I lifted the hem of her nightie up and over her head. She stood before me, and I took in the sight of her heavenly body, from top to bottom. Her full, perky breasts heaved with every breath, her lips, swollen from kissing, and her legs were slightly parted, waiting for me. I got down on my knees and buried my face in her stomach, kissing and licking my way down to the very center of her warmth. She gasped as I slid my hand between her thighs, gently probing with my fingers until I found her moist center. I alternately stroked her with my hand and ran circles around her clit with my tongue, until her legs started shaking and her breathing became heavier, I knew I had her almost to the point of no return, so I eased off a little and guided her to the bed. I fell into the sheets with her, shedding my clothes on the way, so that I could feel her naked body against mine. She was so soft and so smooth, I almost came right then and there, before I remembered my intentions. I kissed her lips softly, and slowly eased my way down her body, kissing her and licking her all the way, until once again, my mouth found her mound, and I delved deep into her, tasting her, stroking her, lapping every ounce of sweetness she had to offer me. I slid my hand up her legs and used my fingers to probe her, and she began to tense up with the sweet expectancy of what was to come. I increased my strokes, and ran my tongue up and down, up and down, until her thighs shook and she moaned over and over…I knew it was time, and I bore down on her love button with my tongue, lavishing it mercilessly with sweet kisses, and stroked her faster and faster, until she screamed out in ecstasy. She flooded my face with her sweet juices, and I lapped up every drop. She eventually relaxed her body, and sighed, and I knew that the storm was over, for now. I made my way up to her beautiful face, and kissed her deeply. She looked into my eyes, and stroked my hair sweetly. As I laid my head on her chest, she giggled a little bit, and I looked up at her, asking,”What was that for?” She just continued to stroke my hair, and said the sweetest thing I have ever heard…”You’re next.”

Well, long story short, that night of passion between Jess and I was over 4 years ago. We never left each others’ sides after we woke up that morning. I got a good job at the Atlanta Journal Constitution, she graduated and started her own line of fashion wear, and together we saved up enough to buy the boardinghouse from Mary once she decided to retire to Boca. We considered keeping it all to ourselves after LeighAnne, Tory and Ginger left, but instead we decided to rent out a couple of the rooms, to give other struggling women a chance to get on their feet. Tory went on to design some of the clothing that Angelina and Brad and even Michele Obama now wears, and Ginger and LeighAnne followed our lead and ?who knew? fell in love and now have a home of their own. I always suspected something was going on with those two, but I am really happy for them. We still get together on the weekends, and they are planning to throw my Jess a baby shower this fall…that’s right, we’re pregnant!

I still reflect back sometimes to that dark, lonely little apartment that I once lived in, and can’t believe that my entire life changed, just because I noticed an ad in the paper for a boardinghouse. If I hadn’t taken that leap of faith, and moved my entire life to Atlanta, I’d have never met the love of my life and we wouldn’t be having our daughter. Together, with our little girl and Darla, of course, we are living a dream…and it can only get better from here. So when you get the opportunity to make a change, no matter how large or small…take it. It might just be the best thing you’ve ever done.

Before you go

Just where you think you’re headed

Takin your picture off of the wall

Screw it all

My reserves are being depleted

You came in the window and walked out the door

Cant stay but still wont leave

I’m walking out and hittin the town

Drinking and smoking and bleeding

Its time to build this broken wall

Patch the holes you made there

I think I get it, got it good

Should no longer fucking care

About your problems your neuroses

I am not your shrink my dear

I will not be your safety blanket to use

When youre covered in fear

Leave my body out of this

It’s will is not its own

It answers your call when i would not

But my,my mind has grown
Override that lust is what I must

Do, thats what they’ve said

But let me know

Before you go

Just where you think you’re headed

A friend when I’m in need

A bandage when I bleed

I can’t look in her eyes and see any lies

She’s always there, always there and I

Can’t refuse her smile

She heals me for awhile

I see in her the truth, so wise

Wiser than her years, wiser than her years

She kisses away my tears

She eases all of my fears

She’s too good to me, too good to me

More than I can ever be

More than anyone else sees

She’s always there, always there for me

I’ll keep her close, never let her go

I can only hope that I can show her

What she means to me.

As the sun rises in the east I watch you sleep,  imagining the scenes playing through your mind and wondering if I’m there. I know soon you’ll wake with that silly smile and kiss me good morning…our day will start and mine will be a little bit better because it started with you. I’ve never felt so alive, so cherished, so wanted…noone has ever made me feel so beautiful, and you do it effortlessly, with only a glance. When I’m afraid, you hold me and I know that I’m protected. When I am hurting, you hold me and somehow the pain doesn’t seem so bad. I want to stay in your arms forever, but alas, we cannot spend our lives in bed. We must get up, and separate long enough to go make our marks on the world…but at the end of the day, know that I’ll be here waiting for your sweet embrace again, waiting to see myself in your eyes again, knowing that I am the reason for your amazing smile.

I love you.